Becoming a better parent after divorce than you were before.
It’s been jokingly said that parenting is the world’s second oldest profession. Regardless of which came first, there’s no debating the fact that it’s certainly the hardest. (Double that fact if you’re a single parent!) My journey as a divorced parent was something like the smoothing of a stone as it flowed down a river–I got smashed, hit, pummeled, rolled and rubbed the wrong way a few times, but I’d like to think I’ve emerged down stream a little more polished and well rounded. This certainly was not the case when I first started my new life as a divorced dad. Coupled with the fact that around this time, my professional career was also unraveling as the housing crash of 2008 had effectively evaporated my real estate practice. I was forced to rent what I could afford, which wasn’t much–a tiny two bedroom apartment in a not-so-great part of town, but I tried to do my best to give my two girls (then 10 and 7) some resemblance of the lifestyle they once knew. This was my typical “Man” way of thinking at the time. My only concern was whether their lifestyle was going to decline, not once thinking about what their emotional needs were or needed to be. Fortunately, I’ve learned so many valuable lessons since then and I can honestly say that I’ve become a better parent after my divorce than I ever was before it. So if you’re struggling in your new role as a single parent post divorce here are some ways I’ve discovered that will help you smooth your relationship with your children:
1. Time. Your time is everything to your kids. Did you know the average amount of time a parent spends engaging with their children is only 34 minutes a day! (…and we wonder why they rebel!) Make it a point to spend every second of your scheduled time with your children and only them. Any new girlfriends or boyfriends; you can see them on the days you don’t have your kids. Never mix date time with your kid’s time. As a child who grew up in the 70’s and 80’s my father woke up at dawn and came home after dark; ate, then went to bed at 7pm (Maybe as late as 8pm on Weekends!) This meant I had only about one hour to ask him all of my life altering questions before he fell asleep. Don’t get me wrong he was a wonderful father to us; but he was typical of his generation and thought his only role was to provide for us. Like him, before I was divorced, I would spend hours working and thinking about our finances, mortgage, bills, debt ..etc. and I’m ashamed to say I wasted even more time in front of my computer or television set. This is why moving into that tiny apartment became the greatest thing to ever happen to me as a parent, because it forced me to spend time engaging directly with my children. We read, watched movies, played games, talked about life, laughed, cooked, ate meals together, and yes we also fought a little too. Spending that much time in such close proximity to each other allowed us to grow so close that through their teen years I’ve never once had to wonder what they were doing or who they were with. I knew because I was always with them. Time should be your only concern in the very beginning stages of your divorce and is one of the most valuable lessons I’ve ever learned. Give them your time and the rest of parenting will be a breeze.
2. Become their mirror. I think one aspect of parenting that is so often over looked especially after a divorce is that your actions will always speak louder to your children than your words ever will. Kids are constantly seeking who they are as a person and for better or worse you will become their mirror in this pursuit. If you are absent or non engaging, then believe me they will mirror that and become absent and non engaging with you. If you choose to spend time with your dates over them, then believe me they’ll soon value their date’s time and influence over yours. As their mirror, become a positive reflection of your own values and dreams and they will soon take that example with them throughout the rest of their lives.
3. Listen to them. I don’t often have reasons to praise a person like the controversial hard rock singer Marilyn Manson, but in an interview he gave in the wake of the tragic Columbine high school shootings, a reporter ask him what he would have said to such a kid. Marilyn without hesitation said that he wouldn’t have said anything; he would have listened which was something he felt no one had ever done. So often we as parents talk when we should be listening. Instead of fighting with your teen on what they’re doing wrong, learn to look for the “why” in their doings. Listening is the first step in this discovery and by far the hardest skill for us to try to master. (…Just ask my Ex) Sometimes just the act of feeling like they will be heard is enough to make them forget all about what’s even bothering them in the first place. I know sometimes they do need discipline and many more times they do need to be told, No. Certainly I understand this– Like you I’m sure, I’ve battled with my kids on numerous occasions about frivolous things, but if they say to you, “I need you to help me” or “I need you to understand me” or they just start talking to you one night; make every effort to validate their feelings by simply listening.
4. Support them. I had a friend who suffered through a very bad divorce where his Ex blamed him for everything and succeeded in turning his daughter against him. He never defended himself from his Ex’s allegations, instead he chose to show his daughter how much he cared for her through his actions. Every activity she had; he was there. If she had an away game hours away; he went. If she was in a play, he was there. If she sang in the chorus; he came to hear her. If she needed to be picked up from school, he volunteered to go get her. After seeing the effort he was putting into her, she slowly came around and now they have a wonderful relationship together. Kids need both their parent’s love and support. Always rise above any silly disputes left over from your marriage and support your children above all else and they will eventually see for themselves whose there for them and whose not. Let your actions defend you as a parent, not your words.
Through this journey as a divorced parent, my kids and I have had some pretty tough battles; I’ve heard all the “I hate yous”, “Your the worst dad in the world” and my personal favorite that hits every dad where it hurts–“I want to go back to mom’s!” But as a family unit, I think we’ve won the war over the effects of divorce. No parent has all the answers. You won’t and I don’t. I’ve probably made every mistake in the book but no one can ever say I wasn’t there for my girls and I’m very proud to be able to say that. I began to realize something in that tiny two bedroom apartment–my legacy was not how much money I was ever going to make or how high a lifestyle I could give them; rather my legacy was them. If I hadn’t been divorced I might of missed that lesson. So yes, I’m a much better parent after my divorce than I ever was before it and so will you be.
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